CYBER-RELATIONSHIPS

Sherry Turkle, PhD at MIT (phycology) has done work in this area and has written a book Life on the Screen: Identity in the Age of the Internet.  She was interviewed by people magazine,4/1/96, Vol. 45, Issue 13, p95.  Full text can be obtained from ABI Inform, for personal use, item number 9603257849, (or Dr. Riethel's file).  It was the only hit from searching ABI, EBSCO, and INSPECT.  There are plenty of websites, just no scholarly work in the area to speak of.  A summary of the article follows, then some seemingly clean websites to check out.  I spent hours on just a few.  They are fun to read but not highly intellectual although there are links to women's issues and political group sites.

Dr. Turkle says we are using the internet to develope all types of relationships, more personal than business, intimate, very expressive, and often family oriented.  They can discuss highly emotional problems that they were previously unable to cope with.

E-mail tends to relax inhibitions.  The writer is alone and can think clearly, reflect on the words choosen, and say just the right thing.

The conversation can be meaningful, and noncommittal.  A person can chat for 30 minutes and then get off like stepping off a bus.  People will need to work out how to have relationships apart from their physical selves.  For many the next step is to bring the two together and turn it into a real relationship.

Assumned identities?  She says this is a way for people to play out different aspects of their identities and work out problems or express hopes and fears.  The virtual world may help people to improve their real world.  Playing an assertive role on-line can help one be more assertive in real life for example. 

When someone flames, or vents hostility with angry slurs online, it can be just as emotionally damaging to the other person.  The internet can be hurtful.

Luring children?  This should be prosecuted she says, (I don't think she is in favor of censoring).

A political tool? yes and community building.  People who are not otherwise politically active are chating politics online. 

The future she believes will be people better equiped to handle and understand the real world, and themselves from the self-reflection she believes cyber-relationships give.  For her book she interviewed a lot of people and tells how the internet is changing who we are.  She sees people as becoming more decentered with multiple identities (this sounds a little scarry to me).

http://www.loveadvice.com/ARTICLES/CYBERLUV.HTM  

This is an article written by Dr. Tracy.  This is a good site for advise about finding a real relationship including what you should know about someone (no matter how you meet), going beyond e-mail, detecting the 'crazys', etc.

http://www.pan-arts.com/era/perspectives/index.htm is for the less serious.  There is a test to see if you are addicted to cybersex.  

http://4thepersonals.4anything.com seems to be a portal for relationship seekers.  There is e-mail, a virtual newspaper, news and references, (select a city), shopping (normal things like clothes), tons of advise on all types of relationships (real world stuff like dating for the single parent), commentary on web sites, book and movie reviews, links, for example a find your ideal weight box linked to ivillage which is all about womens issues and has a talkshow on PBS similar to the view, a daily fix with the useral stuff like wheather and stock quotes,  a search engine and links. 

You can do a quick tour of their online dating service.  They say it is a convenient way of meeting people.  The computer can match you up with someone or you can browse.  You can do this anytime, you don't have to go to a bar, it is anonymous, affordable and they have successfully matched 160,000 people.  I first searched for someone with a PhD and various other things like non-smoker, non-drinker, and got ZERO matches.  I lowered my education requirement and got over 500.  I found a hunk that sounded perfect except he thought he was, however the registration instructions do stress selling one's self, (I don't know as you have to actually register and pay to play). 

There are lots of stories, current and classics such as how to pick up chicks.  Under shopping there was a link to loveme.com which was international women looking for a marrage, (mail-order brides of the 21st century).  

Links to other matching services offer many special areas: professions, 50+, different religions, different races, interracial, classic sounded interesting, it had the following to choose from: gay, lesbian, jewish, or swinger. (No kidding and no offence intended).  Some offer a free service but you can not interact.  The going rate seems to be $20 per month.

http://www.lovestories.com  

seems to be a womens forum with all of the above plus fashion, cooking, crafts, diets, you name it.  (horiscope, chat, e-mail, contests, poems, stories, advise, books, diaries, postcards, dedications, etc.)  The pictures are the most beautiful I have seen on the net (scenery, not people).  Not all here is for women, as under books, titles included A Mans Survival Guide, How to Dump Your Wife, along with others like Beat Him at His Divorse.  You can buy divorse songs for him as well as her.  There seems to be alot about divorse on this site with a link to the Am Bar Assoc., The X-wives Club, The Fathers Rights Foundation, etc.

Read some stories people sent in and some good and some bad.  It seems that the people that write in are either really hurt and bitter or they are the glowingly in love, happy ending type.  So it is not a representational sample as they have self-selected themselves.  However they had some good points.  On not seeing the real person, who says you see the real person when you meet face to face?  Actually you may come closer to seeing the real person on-line as they are not intimidated and can be more confident and open, also you will not be influenced by appearance and can be a more objective judge of character.  Several have said it is easier to have cyber friendships than cyber romantic relationships.

Books include one by Delila, which offers games, sites, and tips on communicating the personality you want to project.  The Chicken Soap guys have a book with hundreds of success stories of cyber romances called Loving your LDR.

Links include one to "The Room", where you choose fixtures and scenery and then it pychoanlyzes you based on your choices.  It was fun.

Links include one to Delilas page.  She says its just one more way to meet people.  Relationships develope faster and you must beware of disappointment from unrealistic expectations.  The Cyber Couch was another "write in show".

Features included Before the Breakup, 10 Warning signs, How to Break Up, and How to Get Over a Break Up.

http://www.thepersonalads.com promises no personal information will leave their organization.  Offer reading for free.  I like this site because they warned that they did not claim to be rated G, however, they could terminate a member immediately for explicit, offensive language, slurs or language humuliating to others and if a member is offended, they ask that you let them know.

http://www.shpm.com is the Self-help Magazine.  It offers a free newsletter on cyber romance.  It has a link for anyone addicted to cybersex.  Articles include one on how to judge genuineness of the person.  Many people take on a false identity.  Suggestions include ask questions about all phases of their life and at different times.  Look for descrepancies.  Take a week or two break and see if you get hounded, if so its a bad sign.  Whatever don't give out information enabling them to find where you live.  Survey results are given and show most feel cyber affairs are safer, but physical, monogomous relationships are better.  Most know someone who has had one.  The feel it could pose a threat to traditional relationships.  Most said it was not as satisfying as physical sex.  Those in favor saw it as a game and it could spice up their real life romance.  Those against said it was an addiction and split up families.  

http://www.one-and-only.com/index.htm?associateID=201158&bid=50018 

http://www.personals365.com/index.asp?affsrc=1270.157

http://www.thepersonalads.com/information.html

are more sites to find people and romantic stories, etc.